I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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