You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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