Yo dont text me then not text me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
