I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
