Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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