the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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