Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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