well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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