In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
