If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
