to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
