i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
