You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
