This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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