He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
