can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
