Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
