i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
