she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dicks are not precious.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
