Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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