He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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