I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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