if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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