i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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