i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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