Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
