so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
