Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Vodka?
Forever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
