so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
