I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
