Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
