Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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