Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
