i wish starbucks made bloody marys
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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