Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
