I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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