I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
