Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
