I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
