Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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