it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
