Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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