3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
