My first STD was from a foam party
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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