apparently the secret to your success is patron
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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