i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
