I just threw up on my dentist
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
