the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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