i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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