i permit you to call me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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